There is certain tricks in getting a drama approved by network executives and from seeing what is on the air, I think I have come up with a plan for you to get your show on television and here is is:
1. Pick the Occupation that the Main Characters Work:
You have 3 options:
1. Some form of police/federal employee police work (Cop, Detective, FBI, Criminal Investigator, Crazy Guy who solves crimes). This will almost guarantee they will pick up the show, even without hearing any more of your pitch other than "Its about a Crazy DEA agent.." Them: "Stop right there, we are in"
2. Some form of hospital or medical work (Doctor, Nurse, ummm Male Nurse, Therapist). For some reason, people are interested in the sex lives of Doctors and Nurses. I don't know why. I am personally interested in the sex lives of badminton players but you don't see any shows about them.
3. Something related to Lawyers or Law Firms. This confuses me since I was on jury duty once and it was the most boring thing I have ever been involved with. I even yelled, during the jury selection process to the defendant, "Hey baby, remember me from last night, you were good", just so I could get out of it. She was 80. I never said I had any morals or any pride.
If you decide to go out on your own and pick something from another field, you will likely be critically acclaimed and cancelled in a year as the American public has been so stupefied by reality TV that they can't imagine any other profession on TV.
2. Pick a City for the show:
Your options are:
1. New York
2. Do you want your show to fail?
For some reason people love New York and I don't get it. I think people who review these shows, see them and think, ahh its OK...wait, its in New York...its awesome. Blah. Try to branch out and you will be crushed unless you have a similarly annoying city (Boston, LA, Chicago) then you can probably last a few years.
3. Bring Back a Failed Movie Star.
David Caruso, Anthony LaPaglia, Patrick Dempsey, Anthony Edwards, Jimmy Smits...the list goes on and on.
Your best bets going forward, depending on what you are looking for: Molly Ringwald, Dolph Lundgren, Mark Madsen, Heather Graham or Amanda Peet.
4. Follow the New Shiny Thing.
I will preface this by saying that I have noticed this, but the Warming Glow by Matt Ufford, who is a much funnier and more talented writer than me, posted something on this earlier today.
But, the new trend is to put something in the title that references something about the show.
Two Examples are SouthLAnd, you see what they did there, they capitalized the LA to tell you it is set in LA or HawthoRNe which capitalized the RN to tell you she is a registered nurse. Though I think most of the reality TV drones didn't notice and said "You see 'dem people in Hollywood don't know der proper punctuation". Anyways, here are some suggestions for your shows that can capitalize on this:
1. ManfrED - About a doctor who himself suffers from Erectile Dysfunction, in New York. Ratings Gold.
2. RuineD U I - About a DUI Defense Attorney, named Uylessis Ingram who is going through a DUI himself and the struggles defending his clients now, in New York. Also UI is a common term for User Interface so you may draw the Numb3rs crowd.
3. BroNx, AlbanY - About two cop brothers, one in the Bronx and one in Albany and the struggles they have in two different cities, in New York.
There you go, I have given you the path to success, now show us your mediocrity.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
How They Ruined My Favorite Gameshow
Growing up, my favorite game show was The Newlywed Game and yes I was a horny teenager who liked to hear the word "Whoopie". Game Show Network has revived it and to say the least has completely destroyed it. There are ways to fix it and it is pretty simple, make it like the show it used to be. Hey, I know you have to dumb it down a little for the short attention spans of the MTV audience you are trying to "entertain" but there was nothing wrong with the original. Here is how you fix it.
1. Get rid of Carnie Wilson Now!
And I don't care how, if you have to tie her to the back of a truck and drag her out of there, do it. Not only would that be satisfying for me but you would probably get better ratings than you do now showing that instead of her speaking another word on my TV. Seriously, what were you thinking when she interviewed, "Ummm, she has never succeeded at anything and she will make our viewers want to punch her in the face. Let's hire her". The fact that Bob Eubanks wanted to do the show only infuriates me more. Bob is the perfect host for this show and the only other person who could pull this off would be George Gray who hosted The Weakest Link, two people who are funny in a smart ass kinda way. Not someone who thinks saying "Too Much Information" 809 times a show is still funny. Seriously, if you put monkeys in the zoo on for a half hour I would be more entertained than listening to Carnie say "Let's Play" or "Goldyweds who appeared on the show way back in 1977" one more time. Man, she is annoying, even the audience is bored and about to form a mob just so they don't have to hear another word from her.
2. Quit Feeding Them All the Answers!
One of the best parts of the old show was letting the contestants fill in the 'blank'. The show should be about the contestants and not your completely in over their heads writers. What, were you able to snap them up after they got fired from "The Hills". When you feed them the answers all of your choice are boring, even though Carnie tries to make them sexy, which makes me want to vomit. 90% of your questions where you feed them the answer don't need a list to choose from as the contestants could come up with funnier answers than your writer and also makes the show more unpredictable. Seriously, do you think you need to feed answers to questions like: "Who is your husbands favorite football player: Tom Brady, LeRoy Hoard, or Mitch Berger?" The answer is: No, Absolutely Not, I Would Love To Smack Carnie Wilson with One of These Answer Cards.
3. Get Rid of The Goldyweds Round and Go Back To 4 Couples and an Extra Question in the Second Round!
Hey, you know what we should do? Lets spend the last 10 minutes of the show asking 5 boring questions of the couple and the Goldyweds. They could be questions like "Who was the last to forget to set the alarm?". Oh my god, he said she was and she said he was, oh man is that funny!! Kill me now.
4. Drop the E-Harmony Crap!
"The E-Harmony Dimension Today is Compatibility: If you were to do a crossword puzzle would it be: On the Couch, On the Patio, or If I Was Doing A Crossword Puzzle Right Now, I would use the pen to stab Carnie through the temple?" Ok, maybe that would be funny, but the E-Harmony questions are useless...E-Harmony is a dating site and these people are already married, do you see how stupid that is?
Ok, that was a little bit hostile for a first post, but this show infuriates me, mainly because it is a show that I used to love and they completely destroyed it. The next posts will be more humor and less rage, I promise. That should be an E-Harmony Dimension, Rage.
1. Get rid of Carnie Wilson Now!
And I don't care how, if you have to tie her to the back of a truck and drag her out of there, do it. Not only would that be satisfying for me but you would probably get better ratings than you do now showing that instead of her speaking another word on my TV. Seriously, what were you thinking when she interviewed, "Ummm, she has never succeeded at anything and she will make our viewers want to punch her in the face. Let's hire her". The fact that Bob Eubanks wanted to do the show only infuriates me more. Bob is the perfect host for this show and the only other person who could pull this off would be George Gray who hosted The Weakest Link, two people who are funny in a smart ass kinda way. Not someone who thinks saying "Too Much Information" 809 times a show is still funny. Seriously, if you put monkeys in the zoo on for a half hour I would be more entertained than listening to Carnie say "Let's Play" or "Goldyweds who appeared on the show way back in 1977" one more time. Man, she is annoying, even the audience is bored and about to form a mob just so they don't have to hear another word from her.
2. Quit Feeding Them All the Answers!
One of the best parts of the old show was letting the contestants fill in the 'blank'. The show should be about the contestants and not your completely in over their heads writers. What, were you able to snap them up after they got fired from "The Hills". When you feed them the answers all of your choice are boring, even though Carnie tries to make them sexy, which makes me want to vomit. 90% of your questions where you feed them the answer don't need a list to choose from as the contestants could come up with funnier answers than your writer and also makes the show more unpredictable. Seriously, do you think you need to feed answers to questions like: "Who is your husbands favorite football player: Tom Brady, LeRoy Hoard, or Mitch Berger?" The answer is: No, Absolutely Not, I Would Love To Smack Carnie Wilson with One of These Answer Cards.
3. Get Rid of The Goldyweds Round and Go Back To 4 Couples and an Extra Question in the Second Round!
Hey, you know what we should do? Lets spend the last 10 minutes of the show asking 5 boring questions of the couple and the Goldyweds. They could be questions like "Who was the last to forget to set the alarm?". Oh my god, he said she was and she said he was, oh man is that funny!! Kill me now.
4. Drop the E-Harmony Crap!
"The E-Harmony Dimension Today is Compatibility: If you were to do a crossword puzzle would it be: On the Couch, On the Patio, or If I Was Doing A Crossword Puzzle Right Now, I would use the pen to stab Carnie through the temple?" Ok, maybe that would be funny, but the E-Harmony questions are useless...E-Harmony is a dating site and these people are already married, do you see how stupid that is?
Ok, that was a little bit hostile for a first post, but this show infuriates me, mainly because it is a show that I used to love and they completely destroyed it. The next posts will be more humor and less rage, I promise. That should be an E-Harmony Dimension, Rage.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
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