How To Pitch Your Own Drama To The Networks in 2009

There is certain tricks in getting a drama approved by network executives and from seeing what is on the air, I think I have come up with a plan for you to get your show on television and here is is:

1. Pick the Occupation that the Main Characters Work:

You have 3 options:

1. Some form of police/federal employee police work (Cop, Detective, FBI, Criminal Investigator, Crazy Guy who solves crimes). This will almost guarantee they will pick up the show, even without hearing any more of your pitch other than "Its about a Crazy DEA agent.." Them: "Stop right there, we are in"

2. Some form of hospital or medical work (Doctor, Nurse, ummm Male Nurse, Therapist). For some reason, people are interested in the sex lives of Doctors and Nurses. I don't know why. I am personally interested in the sex lives of badminton players but you don't see any shows about them.

3. Something related to Lawyers or Law Firms. This confuses me since I was on jury duty once and it was the most boring thing I have ever been involved with. I even yelled, during the jury selection process to the defendant, "Hey baby, remember me from last night, you were good", just so I could get out of it. She was 80. I never said I had any morals or any pride.

If you decide to go out on your own and pick something from another field, you will likely be critically acclaimed and cancelled in a year as the American public has been so stupefied by reality TV that they can't imagine any other profession on TV.

2. Pick a City for the show:

Your options are:

1. New York
2. Do you want your show to fail?

For some reason people love New York and I don't get it. I think people who review these shows, see them and think, ahh its OK...wait, its in New York...its awesome. Blah. Try to branch out and you will be crushed unless you have a similarly annoying city (Boston, LA, Chicago) then you can probably last a few years.

3. Bring Back a Failed Movie Star.

David Caruso, Anthony LaPaglia, Patrick Dempsey, Anthony Edwards, Jimmy Smits...the list goes on and on.

Your best bets going forward, depending on what you are looking for: Molly Ringwald, Dolph Lundgren, Mark Madsen, Heather Graham or Amanda Peet.

4. Follow the New Shiny Thing.

I will preface this by saying that I have noticed this, but the Warming Glow by Matt Ufford, who is a much funnier and more talented writer than me, posted something on this earlier today.

But, the new trend is to put something in the title that references something about the show.

Two Examples are SouthLAnd, you see what they did there, they capitalized the LA to tell you it is set in LA or HawthoRNe which capitalized the RN to tell you she is a registered nurse. Though I think most of the reality TV drones didn't notice and said "You see 'dem people in Hollywood don't know der proper punctuation". Anyways, here are some suggestions for your shows that can capitalize on this:

1. ManfrED - About a doctor who himself suffers from Erectile Dysfunction, in New York. Ratings Gold.

2. RuineD U I - About a DUI Defense Attorney, named Uylessis Ingram who is going through a DUI himself and the struggles defending his clients now, in New York. Also UI is a common term for User Interface so you may draw the Numb3rs crowd.

3. BroNx, AlbanY - About two cop brothers, one in the Bronx and one in Albany and the struggles they have in two different cities, in New York.

There you go, I have given you the path to success, now show us your mediocrity.